Beauty

To quote Clint Howard’s character in The Waterboy, ‘I am not what you would call a handsome man’, if I were to appear on ‘The Love Machine’ I would most likely become one of Stacey Soloman’s unfunny footnotes as I am ditched and both the light in my booth and my self-esteem fade. It is no secret that my jaw has been the target of much ridicule over the years given its unnatural dimensions, leading numerous people to ask whether I have suffered a stroke or if I was dropped as an infant.  To the best of my knowledge, this is its natural shape.

I do have some redeeming features; I happen to think that my calves are exceptional – toned to perfection after years of running around football pitches – and I have seen far more horrific belly buttons in my time than my own.

Beauty is a touchy subject in our society but I am a firm believer of that old cliché that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; it’s the reason I have a girlfriend – either that or she has a fetish for facial disfigurements.  There are many superficial things that contribute to ones perception of beauty in another, for example, if a girls ‘beauty’ looks like it can be removed with the aid of a wet wipe then she immediately becomes a less attractive prospect.  This does not mean to say that all make-up is bad, rather that it should be applied sparingly – often the term ‘foundation’ is confused, which results in girls looking like they actually plan to build a house on their face.

The face of inner beauty

Jesmond, the plush suburb of Newcastle, is home to more than its fair share of ‘beautiful people’.  The girls float into the bars on drifts of cloud whilst the male population struggles to contend with dropping jaws and bulging crotches, yet contrary to the Hollister Co. employment policy, beauty goes much deeper than what can be seen on the surface.

I’d like to think that I possess a certain set of solid values that would ensure people perceive me as someone of adequate inner beauty; I always hold the door, I say please and thank you and I refrain from public displays of masturbation – all highly desirable traits in any human being.  Of course some people go that extra mile to cover up any physical imperfections by being exceptionally attractive on the inside.  Mother Theresa had a face that closely resembled a scrotum and therefore chose to spend her life helping the poor in her native India in a bid to appear more beautiful – it worked.

Ken Barlow - Pussy magnet

Alcohol is incredibly effective in blurring the lines of physical beauty which can result in a nasty surprise once the sun rises and the hangover kicks in.  At this point, less attention is being paid to a persons’ potential inner beauty and more to devising a quick and quiet escape route.  The truth is we all have our body hang-ups, mine is my jaw, whereas others may worry about their weight, but we can all take comfort and hope from recent revelations about William Roach (Ken Barlow), living proof that you don’t need to be beautiful, or interesting to be found attractive.