The cinematic experience begins before you even leave the car with the eternal hunt for a vacant space in the painfully undersized car parking facilities boasted by the complex, which invariably houses – not only a cinema – but a gym, bowling alley and a variety of restaurants to tempt even the most strong-willed of weight watchers. The quest for a parking space will more often than not result in the abandonment of the vehicle in a dubious looking cul-de-sac or a supermarket an hours walk away from your destination.
One of the most common uses of the cinema experience is as a venue for the ‘first date’, the desired effect being that a new couple will be able to make it through the awkwardness of the whole scenario by sitting in a dark room, not talking. The extent of the effectiveness of a trip to the pictures on a first date will depend largely on the film choice. I speak from experience, apparently ‘treating’ a girl to a gun-slinging, knife-wielding, neck breaking, bloodbath such as The Expendables is not a wise move. It turns out that Sly Stallone et al didn’t ‘do it’ for this particular girl and I never heard from her again.
Popcorn is a stalwart of cinema culture and - like petrol and diamonds – its price has spiked dramatically over the years, as has the number of bank loans acquired for trips to the cinema. The popping kernels are seldom consumed outside of a cinema situation and one often wonders who first thought it would be an appropriate morsel to chow down on whilst watching a film. Also available as in-film snacks are hot-dogs, nachos and other such messy and loud foods guaranteed to make the theatre a thoroughly unpleasant place to be. As the film gets underway you get pelted with guacamole - amongst other condiments and relishes - and your feet begin to stick to the floor as years of spilt Coca Cola develop a highly effective adhesive.
After purchasing your chosen snacks, a balancing act - in a bid to avoid a post food fight scene - begins as you attempt to show your tickets to the cheery and accommodating staff who enthusiastically direct you to your screen and wish you, with the utmost conviction, an enjoyable visit.
Gone are the days when you could take your own snacks and sweets into the theatre, this is now strictly forbidden and has forced many a small nearby sweet shop into bankruptcy. This ruling has also gone some way to undermining the once feared and revered role of security staff; bag searches and the art of frisking are not what they used to be: “What is it you’re looking for? Guns, Knives?” “No…Malteasers”. Surely making alcohol available to patrons inside the cinema is more of a risk than allowing someone to bring a Snickers bar from home.
After a short walk down an extravagantly carpeted hallway, strewn with cardboard cut-outs of Disney , the ultimate destination is arrived at and the search for a seat in the pitch black of the theatre will commence. The skills required to do this without night vision, whilst laden with a plethora of refreshments and squeezing your way past already seated cinema-goers of varying shape, are akin to those listed as prerequisites for the Royal Marines. Eventually you will find the perfect seat behind an afro bearing individual and the trailers will begin.
Trailers are cited by many as their favourite component of the cinema experience, however I have never really cared for them. In my view trailers do either one of two things; show so much of the film they are advertising that it makes it pointless to go and watch it in its entirety or serve to ruin the film you have actually paid to see by forcing upon you a realisation that you should have forked out for the one being advertised.
The film itself will be punctuated by a chorus of coughs, mutterings of those who have quite literally ‘lost the plot’ and loud and piercing ‘shushes’, of those engrossed in the film who take exception to the lady in the 11th row whose laughter is so raucous and belated to the punch lines that it is becoming offensive. Upon leaving the theatre the gentle hum of amateur film critics reviewing what they have just seen plays to the beat of crunching popcorn beneath the feet of the exiting crowd as they shield their eyes upon being reintroduced to the phenomenon of light.
The cinema has and always will be an enjoyable break in the monotony of everyday life. Here is a heart-warming video of one man who loved the cinema so much he used it to propose to his girlfriend. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnVAE91E7kM
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